World Suicide Prevention Day
*Trigger warning*
Three years ago, I had my heart smashed to smithereens by a man who persistently and relentlessly charmed and lied his way into my life.
For those of you who have read Unashamed, this note is the aftermath of my experience with Mr M (Chapter Ten: Lessons). The note I wrote was on the day when it all came to an abrupt end after years of inconsistencies and emotional torment. I was hysterical, inconsolable and ready to give up on myself. I was totally overwhelmed by unbearable, emotional pain:
“I am so sorry for letting you all down. I’ve just come to a point in my life where my heart cannot take another ounce of pain. I’m dead already. Just an empty shell floating through life.
Please don’t feel guilty. You did all you could. I regret so deeply letting XXXX into my life. This is my own stupid fault. I should have known better. All the warning signs were there but like a complete and utter fool, I chose to ignore them and get carried away on this fantasy-like adventure which soon turned into the relationship from hell. How very silly of me.
The emotional pain I feel right now is so unbelievably overwhelming. I just want this torture to end. I am now ready to be at peace.
Please rest assured that this is the best thing for me. Be happy that I am finally free from this pain. Celebrate my crazy life. I will be protecting you all. Watching over you every day.
Love you always
Liz
Xxx”
If only I could see then all the incredible positivity that would come into my life following this event. Thank goodness I didn’t bring my beautiful life to an abrupt end, I would have missed out on so much!
I am sharing this note for anyone who is going through those dark days and dealing with their own emotional pain. This note and my life is proof that life can change so dramatically. Those moments of despair are literally just that: a moment and will eventually pass. Sometimes in life we just have to sit with the pain knowing that it will eventually leave. It’s hard and horrible but I promise you that it will give you the resilience needed in dealing with life.
I still have days when I struggle and go too deep into my own head but my therapist has given me the tools I now need to deal with those days. My life is all about staying sober, nurturing myself, establishing boundaries, saying no and only allowing room for consistency and stability. Because when I didn’t have those things, it almost cost me my life.
One thing I don’t like about modern day life is text messages. I’ve never been a fan. Making a phone call, having a conversation and hearing someone’s voice can really turn things around. We are all busy, that’s part of modern life. If we all took the time to speak to our friends more often, we would feel a deeper sense of connection. Pick up the damn phone, check in on your friends and have a conversation.
If you or someone you know is struggling, call The Samaritans on: 116 123