The Menendez Brothers
Like a lot of people this week, I’ve been finding it hard to think about anything else but the Menendez brothers after watching Monsters: The Lyle and Erik Menendez story on Netflix followed by the documentary and researching the case online.
For those who are unfamiliar, Lyle and Erik Menendez are American brothers who shot and murdered their parents at their Beverly Hills home in 1989 after suffering years of sexual abuse at the hands of their father, Jose Menendez. After one mistrial followed by a retrial (in which the horrific abuse was excluded), they were convicted of murder and sentenced to life in prison without parole.
When I watch any Netflix show that’s based on true events, I always view with an open mind knowing that it’s just one angle in which the story is being told. I have since heard that the Menendez brothers are unhappy about how they have been portrayed in the series. But one thing I will say is that a good Netflix series really does have the ability to open up a conversation. And this is a very important conversation we need to be having no matter how uncomfortable.
At the time of the trial, the big question being asked was not ‘did they murder their parents?’ but ‘why did they murder their parents?’ with their defence being sexual abuse at the hands of their father and living in fear of their lives. The question of ‘why?’ seemed to cause a huge divide with some suggesting they murdered their parents for money. After conducting my own research aside from watching the series, I came to the conclusion that the brothers were absolutely telling the truth about being sexually abused by their father. Not only have they been consistent in the details given with their testimony in court lining up with their documentary all these years later, but the thing that really confirmed it for me was the fact that Lyle has since set up a support group in prison to help fellow survivors of sexual abuse. These are not the actions of a guilty man who has made up a story about being molested. He had already been convicted of murder in the first degree and sentenced to life in prison so why then set up a support group if his defence was all a load of rubbish? It simply wouldn’t happen.
As a survivor of domestic violence, I understand very deeply the need to help fellow survivors of abuse even years (twelve years) later. That urge to use a horrific experience to help others has never fully gone away. There are so many elements of this case that have struck numerous chords within me. The question that comes up time and time again and absolutely infuriates me is, ‘why didn’t they just leave?’ Only someone who has no experience or understanding whatsoever on the complexities of domestic violence would ask such a stupid, insensitive question. Domestic violence is the result of years of brainwashing, manipulation, lies, gaslighting, intimidation and endless threats. It is a psychological trap. In addition, amongst the chaos there is ‘love’ which is why abuse can be so confusing. It is a cycle that goes around and around like an insane merry-go-round.
As a result, the victim can begin to feel totally worthless and no good to anybody. These feelings of worthlessness can lead to the victim being unable to function, deeply depressed and struggling to see a life without their abuser who may well be in control of every aspect of their life (financial, social, work). Worse still, many abusers threaten to kill their victims if they dare to leave. These threats can feel very real. And at the very core of domestic violence is control. The abuser has a deep desire to remain in control of their victim at all times. So if the victim ever dare to leave, their life would be at an even greater risk because the abuser at that point, has lost all control which is when we can see them at their most volatile.
Let’s not forget the harrowing case of Carol Hunt and her daughters Hannah and Louise. Louise had recently ended her relationship with the killer who brutally murdered them in their home with a crossbow, after requesting to collect some of his belongings. Or the case of Claire Hart who, in 2016 who was shot dead alongside her daughter at the hands of her husband before turning the gun on himself. Claire had finally packed her bags and left her aggressive husband after suffering years of abuse. It was after she had left when he murdered her. Or the case of Hollie Gazzard who was failed by the police. Hollie had broken up with her boyfriend who had been showing warning signs of abuse. He began a campaign of harassment then suddenly went silent. The next day he stabbed her fourteen times, killing her. They had all left their abusers and were looking towards a happier future in which they could feel safe.
So the next time you find yourself about to ask the question, ‘why didn’t they just leave?’ stop and think for a moment. If it is an area that you know nothing about and have no experience of, pause and do some research before you make such damaging remarks. Because remarks like this are shaming the victim. As if the victim hasn’t gone through enough hell already, they do not need to hear such insensitive comments which can cause them to spiral deeper into the abuse and attempt to push their dark secret further into the shadows.
Chapter six of my book Unashamed is all about my experiences of domestic violence and the complexities that it entails. I felt compelled to include all the details no matter how painful and uncomfortable to read. I never expected my close friends to be so shocked. And that’s the thing with domestic violence, some of us victims are good at hiding just how bad it is. Even twelve years after leaving my abuser, my friends were clueless to the details. For me personally, I was determined not to play the pity card and instead used the traumatic experience as a positive to help others.
My heart has been hurting with a physical ache for these boys. What a challenging life they have faced. To go through what they did at such a young age and then to be thrown into prison for 35 years just seems so cruel. If we can learn anything from this case, let’s learn to speak more openly about men as abuse victims. Because like it or not, men get raped too. Their pain was dismissed. They were trying to survive something so horrific and unimaginable but were failed by the system, the very system that should have protected them.
I understand the pain of having to hide abuse. I understand how it feels to not be believed. I understand the fear of leaving an abuser only to return time and time again. I understand the frustration of having your pain dismissed because you stayed. I understand that amongst all the chaos and hurt there is also ‘love.’ I understand the psychological trap. It’s time for society to understand the complexities of domestic violence too.
Fresh evidence has now appeared in the form of a letter that Erik wrote to his cousin nine months before the murders detailing the abuse. As well as one of the members of the Menudo band alleging that he was molested by Jose Menendez. A new court hearing has now been called for 29th November 2024. Let’s hope the Menendez brothers finally get the justice that they deserve!
Sign the petition: Justice for Erik & Lyle